Sunday, February 8, 2009

Blunt Confessions

I had a beautiful girls day on this past Thursday. Instead of lasting joy and good feelings, immediately upon coming home I crashed into a dark, tired bleakness. I have felt so crappy I didn't want to move or eat. I've spent the last two and half days in bed....only getting up to pee for the most part. My head hurt, my body ached, and I felt like I completely couldn't deal. Period. I couldn't even think about my art work or many projects. Even my knitting I only picked up sporadically and then tossed aside again. My phone was shut off so I wouldn't have to talk to anybody. I kept my computer next to me on the bed, so I could still chat with people inorder to cling to my sanity.

Daniel couldn't help but notice, afterall our bed is smack dab in the center of our living space. There are no seperate rooms....we live in a giant circular tent. He definately noticed, but he pretty much just watched quietly. Even going into day 3 in the exact same clothes.

Today I realized that this isn't a physical thing!!! I let this happen, and this is a mental, emotional, spiritual problem. I've been making myself sick for two days. I got tired, and then I let my anxiety get ahold on me from the inside out. It's mainly been financial worries... everything in the economical world is falling apart. I'm broke, I have a long list of needs and wants, and I owe my very good friends some cash....and they have a list just like mine. I have a "to do" list just as long, and I've been doing nothing but agonizing over doing nothing.

I got so obsessed and worried and anxious that I blocked the energy flow between my Chakras and I've blocked my ability to positively manifest in my current moment. I let my fears well up into a huge dark ball in the center of me, and the light stopped flowing through me.

I'm clawing my way out of it today. Just by writing this, I'm helping myself. I got up today, I brushed my hair, and my teeth, and I put on clean clothes. I ate a bit of soup for lunch. I going to knit on a sock for someone I love and not let it overwhelm me. I going to listen to Gregg Braden, and remember what my real job is.

I'm putting out a prayer. Let's bring our energy together. Let's remember we are all blessed. Let's breathe deeply together and know that we are divine. Our lives are infinately abundant. We are loved. We are filled with the light to heal oursleves. We are surrounded by the light to heal the world.

1 comment:

merce said...

I know this was written before I've seen you, but I don't visit here often, because I do see you. I believe that the dark cave is an important place to go, that it holds keys to our spiritual development. The dark, scary, unknown place is the deep inside of us, and when we go there things are happening even though we may not know what at the time. If we can accept that this happens and go through it, we do come out the other side and eventually see what there was to learn in due time. love you lots, Merce